Peaceful Chaos
by Celestial Phoenix
Summary: Yaoi, angst, Tasuki and Chichiri. Spoilers for the entire series. Chichiri visits Tasuki after years apart. [status:complete]


Warnings: Yaoi, Tasuki and Chichiri.**SPOILERS** for the entire series, angst.

Disclaimer: Fushigi Yuugi does not belong to me.

Peaceful Chaos

Chichiri walked alone on another nameless, wandering road.He was content with the present, and his mind turned willingly away from the past.As for the future…well…in the passing years it had lost its importance.

But even in this peace something tugged at his mind.Two years had passed since he had last visited Tasuki.Sure, he thought of the other warrior fairly often and often resolved to go visit him…but then he would get distracted by some new problem or person who needed his help.And once he was finished, he always seemed to forget his previous resolve.

Well…perhaps he had been spending too much time amongst strangers.Chichiri still looked back fondly on the time he had spent living with the bandits…and hadn't he promised Tasuki he would visit?It was time to go.

Chichiri reaffixed the mask to his face and stepped through his kasa into the base of the Mount Leikaku bandits.

Tasuki was peaceably giving orders when the smiling face of the monk appeared only inches from where Tasuki was standing, "So we have two more raids-what the FUCK!" he cried in shock.For a second he stood in a shocked silence.Then Tasuki pulled his old friend into a sudden and painfully tight hug.

"Ack, no da!"

"…Hell, Chichiri, I was beginning to think you were dead or somethin,'" Tasuki drew back and examined the monk, "Ya look all right…" 

The other bandit, Kouji, snuck out.Chichiri envied him as Tasuki's joyful expression changed abruptly, "So…if you aren't dead…WHAT FUCKING EXCUSE DO YOU HAVE?" the bandit roared right in the monk's face.

"Well, I meant to visit no da," Chichiri began lightly, "but time passes so quickly when…"

"Eh?" Tasuki interrupted, his voice a little more calm.He didn't want to scare away his friend before he got a chance to actually talk to him, "Oh, never mind.It's good to see ya, Chichiri."

The monk was a little overwhelmed.But…that was why he had left in the first place, wasn't it?He had been feeling slightly uneasy around Tasuki…well it didn't matter, now.He would stay a little while, and then find some excuse to leave…though he shouldn't wait so long to visit again, "Hai, it's good to see you too Tasuki no da."

Tasuki laughed and grabbed Chichiri's arm, "C'mon."

Several hours later, Chichiri was sitting, completely sober, and staring deep into the glass Tasuki had given him.It had once been full, until the bandit realized he wasn't drinking and emptied it for him.

Now, Tasuki was…somewhere.Chichiri sighed.It was time to get some sleep.

Wearily, Chichiri stood.Almost immediately, Tasuki appeared out of nowhere and grabbed his elbow, "Y' aren't goin' so soon, are ya, Chiri?" he slurred.

"I'm going to bed no da," the monk sighed.

Tasuki's eyes flashed, "I got it.You need to sleep off the sake you didn't drink," he responded, his voice now completely sober.

"Eh, Tasuki, don't get mad again, no da," Chichiri's mask smiled cheerfully, "I've never been much for drinking no da," he said, pulling his arm away from the half-drunk man.

Tasuki sighed and dropped his hand on Chichiri's shoulder, "Right, right.Let me take you to your room then," he said, dragging the monk after him.

As soon as they reached the room, Tasuki slammed the door behind them and pushed the monk away violently.Chichiri looked at him in shock.

"What's wrong, Tasuki no da?"

"What's wrong?!You leave without a reason, than ya return two years later without even an explanation!" Tasuki responded, gesturing wildly, "You just say that 'time passes so quickly' and that's it!"

"Well it's true…" Chichiri began, but the bandit interrupted him.

"I don't care!" he lunged forward and took hold of Chichiri's shoulders, shaking him, "Are you real, or what?"

Chichiri felt a flash of old anger, but set it aside.This was not the time, "Tasuki!" he said, commandingly, "Let go!"

Immediately, Tasuki stopped shaking him, but his hands still rested on the monk's shoulders, "…Sorry Chichiri," 

They stood there, like that, for a long moment…Tasuki kept his eyes fixed on a neutral point just above Chichiri's head, while the monk, uncomfortable, stared down at the bandit's chest.

"It's all right no da," he finally responded, "I should apologize, myself.I shouldn't have left without explaining, no da," he said, his tone serious.

"…Why _did_ you leave?"

Chichiri's mask stared blindly off into space for a minute, until Tasuki wanted to shake him again.Shake the damn mask right off him.But he pushed that thought away…he didn't want the monk to leave without answering.

Finally, Chichiri answered, "…I couldn't stay here anymore," he reached up and lightly tugged on his beads with trembling fingers.

"Yeah.I kinda guessed._Why?_"

Chichiri dropped the beads and brushed Tasuki's hands off his shoulders, "I was getting to that no da.I just…can't stay in one place for very long.It's…it's…very difficult for me to do no da," he finished.

Tasuki laughed, "Yer lying again, aren't you?Why couldn't you tell me that?"

Chichiri shook his head, "It seemed more complicated at the time, no da; I don't even really remember why anymore.It's been a long time."

His admission was met only by a pregnant silence.Tasuki stared down at Chichiri's empty hands for a while, before turning to leave.

Chichiri was struck with a strange and sudden panic, "Wait, Tasuki no da!"

Tasuki turned back, "What is it, Chichiri?"

"Stay for a while.It's been a long time no da," he repeated.His voice was light, but something beneath his words shook.

The bandit nodded, and sat down on the edge of the bed, "So, where did ya travel to?" 

Chichiri didn't respond, but came over and sat next to him.They sat, in silence, for a few minutes before Tasuki broke the silence.

"Do you remember when we traveled together?"

The mask smiled at the memory, and Tasuki glared at it.Chichiri wasn't actually smiling.Tasuki ignored his desire to rip the grinning thing off his friend's face…the years had changed the bandit a little…before Chichiri had left, he would have taken it off without a second thought.But then that one time…

Chichiri lay back on his bed and, wordlessly, Tasuki lay next to him.He was reminded of the times they had shared beds while traveling, and of the few months Chichiri had lived on the mountain.The monk had seemed so soft and innocent back then, and, like an idiot, Tasuki had depended on that innocence.

But Chichiri had understood what Tasuki meant…and those words had caused Chichiri to desire the open road and the scant freedom it provided again.So one night, several weeks after the original rift, he had disappeared.He hadn't even said a single goodbye to keep Tasuki company during his dark sleepless hours.

Chichiri turned towards the bandit, who was nervously staring at the ceiling.Nothing was the same as it had been…but that was how life was, he supposed, "Tasuki?" his voice was cold and clear, and it quickly dragged Tasuki's eyes down again to the face of his mask.

"Yeah?"

"Goodbye."

Tasuki froze, "You're leaving?Already?"

Chichiri rolled over onto his side, completely towards the other, "Of course not, no da.I can't leave yet!" 

The bandit's alarm faded into confusion.

"I just forgot to say it last time, no da."

Tasuki grinned, "It's good to hear it," and as he spoke, his hand moved of its own volition, to Chichiri's hated mask.He carefully rubbed along the jawbone, where he could feel its invisible edge.Something inside him turned over when he heard Chichiri's soft gasp.It had been two years since Tasuki had done this, and it still made Chichiri just as uncomfortable.

He removed the mask easily, and dropped it on the floor away from the monk's reach.Chichiri turned away from him, turning his scar towards the safety of the pillow.

"Chichiri," Tasuki rasped, "let me see your face," and, without waiting for a response, he rolled so that he was over the monk, not actually touching, with his hair hanging loose around his eyes.

Chichiri stiffened, and then rolled onto his back.Now he was looking directly at the bandit's face, "I remember this," Chichiri whispered.

Tasuki stared down at the scar, wearing an unaccustomed expression of sorrow, "I missed this scar," he whispered, "and the rest of the face when you were gone, Chichiri."

The scarred man reached up and gripped Tasuki's shoulders, "I should have stayed away, no da."

Tasuki laughed, "But you didn't."

"And we're the last," Chichiri quoted, remembering their conversation from over two years ago.

In response, Tasuki leaned forward and kissed Chichiri gently, bringing back the rest of their memories from that night.

Chichiri shivered, and pulled Tasuki lower, deepening the kiss and bringing him close enough to touch soft strands of red hair.He could now remember the sweet pain that Tasuki's touches caused.

But then, Tasuki's hands moved to his shirt, and he fumbled, trying to pull it off.

With a snap of nothing, Tasuki fell from his position over the mage and grasped at the empty air, "Chi-Chichiri?"

Chichiri was standing at the edge of the bed, picking up the mask Tasuki had taken from him.He didn't put it on…instead he turned back to the bandit, who was glaring up from the bed.

"What are ya doing?!I thought we _didn't_ want to repeat what happened before!" he jumped up from the bed and clasped at…nothing.The mage was gone again, now across the room.He was resting the hated mask over his natural expression.

"Dammit, Chichiri!Why is this so hard?"

The mask looked strangely solemn, "I can't give you a reason you'd accept, no da.It was a mistake for me to come back."

"Try, dammit!Just once, _try_ and tell me!I'm fuckin' sick of hearin' about what I'd _accept_ or what's too _complicated _for me to get or what other fucking shit you feel you have to lie about!Just, for once, tell me: do ya love me…or what?"

Chichiri stared, shocked, at the bandit.He barely noticed as Tasuki crossed the room and embraced him, whispering into his hair, "Because, either way, I don't want you to leave again." 

He let himself be held for a while, before pulling away, "Do you really want to know?"

Tasuki shook his head, "But tell me anyway."

Chichiri was lost.He had been terrified of this moment, and he once again regretted coming.Before he came, he could have pretended…worn a mask inside himself…

One side of him told him to answer yes, and the other no.Chichiri could hear himself saying both and he watched as each path unraveled.Both ways led to pain, anger, and hatred.The only difference was that "no" would lead him through this peacefully, while "yes" would lead fast and violently.

Tasuki wanted a simple answer, and Chichiri had none to give.

Chichiri's eyes, behind the mask, played along the body of his fellow warrior.It had all started so harmlessly, so carefully…and now…

There was really only one answer he could give…the wrong one, "No," Chichiri responded, closing his eye against the flash of disbelief and anger on Tasuki's face.

For a moment, there was silence.

And then, Tasuki smiled.Chichiri, his eye still closed, didn't see.

But he felt Tasuki's arms around him, holding him tightly, "Then why are you still here?"

"I promised…" Chichiri trailed off.He once again felt the slight tickling of magic as the mask was removed, and the deep, painful roaring of his mind as Tasuki kissed him.

When the bandit pulled back, he whispered, "I don't believe you," and brushed his fingers over scar.

Chichiri gasped at the touch, Tasuki's fingers sent a deep shock through him, "Well," he responded, "I did lie no da."

Tasuki grinned in relief, "Thank Suzaku, because…"

And the older man saw that he had to agree.Because he did love Tasuki…and they were the last, "I know," Chichiri stopped him, "Let's not say it, no da?"

"Never?"

"…Just not tonight."

Tasuki agreed, laughing a little, and Chichiri caught a breath of cool, clear air flowing in through an open window.He smiled back, ignoring the poisonous worry that began to take hold of him.

That night Tasuki had an old dream.But when he woke he felt the warm hard body of the monk curled up against him, and his memory of it disappeared.He tightened his arms around his lover.

Chichiri stayed awake long into the darkness.The unconscious body of the bandit writhed against him in the throes of his unconscious vision, and his breath whispered the names of the dead.Chichiri felt the hot pressure against his stomach as Tasuki whispered another's name.

"_I love you, Nuriko."_

"But I love ya, Chichiri," Tasuki whined, holding tightly to the mage's arm as he tried to dress, "Stay 'n play a while longer?" he grinned, bearing his fangs, knowing the effect that always had.

Chichiri wavered, "…but aren't you hungry no da?"

Tasuki pulled him down and laughed, "I'm fucking starving!"

Time passed, and Chichiri became accustomed to his new life.At times, the road called to him, and he would go, but he always returned.He realized with some amusement that if he didn't the bandit would probably hunt him down and drag him back.The peace had found him again.Life had barely paused before continuing on its track towards the inevitable.

But there were changes that he couldn't ignore.Tasuki's words were losing their warmth and they were drifting apart again…and the road was calling.And yet…and yet at the same time Chichiri didn't want to leave.He recognized that it was simply his body rejecting change, and he accepted it…but…

He would continue, and hope that his departure would cause as little pain as possible.

Tasuki stared desperately at the dead expression the monk was giving him, "What is wrong with you lately?"

"Wrong with me no da?" 

He growled.Tasuki wished, for once, that the mage would just answer the damn question, and stop dragging these conversations out.All he wanted was to find out why Chichiri had been so distant lately, "Why have you been wearing that _mask_ so much lately?You know I fucking hate it when you wear it…" his voice trailed off.

"Well, I'm not wearing it now no da," the monk's voice was so cold.

"…you…aren't thinking of leaving again are you?"

"…just for a little while…no da…"

Tasuki reached out and brushed his fingers against the scar.Chichiri closed his eye and pulled away a little, "You promise?"

"I already promised no da."

If Tasuki let him go now, the monk was never coming back.He slammed his fist against the wall, "FUCK!You're lyin' again!"

Chichiri flinched, but didn't move otherwise, "…you're right again na no da."

"Chichiri!"

The monk sighed and decided to try and explain, "We live our life on a river, Tasuki no da.A river always moves, as do people.I was hoping to stay a little longer no da…but I can't."

"You said you would stay," Tasuki felt like a child, trying to force his way against an adult's vengeful logic.

"…I…" Chichiri paused, "I'm sorry no da.I do love you."

"Tell me why, dammit!"

"…because I love you," Chichiri responded finally, and went to push his way past the bandit.

Tasuki slammed his fist into the wall again.Chichiri stared at him evenly, "You should stop that no da.You're bleeding."

The bandit closed his eyes and reached out for his love, surprised to find him still there.He pulled Chichiri close, and pressed his face against his lover's soft hair.Any minute now Chichiri was going to leave.He would be holding nothing.And then he would be alone in the room they had shared and _not_ cry until he realized that he was never going to sleep again.How could he sleep alone anymore?

"You'll find someone else," Chichiri murmured against his chest.Chichiri could read his thoughts so easily.

"There _is_ no one else, Chichiri," Tasuki explained.

Chichiri said nothing, just letting himself be held.It was so warm here, and he was surroundedby the scent of his lover.There was so much he would miss.But he had taught himself that there are some things more important than how he felt or what he wanted.He turned his face up and lightly kissed the lips waiting for him._I will love you forever._

Tasuki returned the kiss in desperation, attempting to find the reason inside Chichiri.The mage sensed his desperation and echoed it.One last time…

Chichiri fell back on to the bed and pulled Tasuki down after him.

The desperation turned easily to passion...it was after all the same emotion.And Tasuki knew that when he woke Chichiri would be gone.

Chichiri didn't want to leave.But as the heat from his tired limbs began to fade, he heard Tasuki begin his nightly dream-prayer.He had finally realized that Tasuki didn't even realize he had these dreams, but it didn't matter…Tasuki also believed that he was in love with him.Life moved on…he should not have come back.But he had foolishly convinced himself that humans could not live alone.

And…and he couldn't even explain to himself why he had to go.Chichiri stood carefully, not wanting to wake the bandit and bring about another argument.He slowly picked up the clothes, he had so hastily lost a few hours ago.He tried not to listen to Tasuki.

"_Nuriko_… _I love you, Nuriko"_

It was kind of sweet actually.He smiled grimly, picking up his staff.No, he was never coming back.

Tasuki moaned and his hand flew out, searching for the missing body.

"_Nuriko…"_

"I have to go, Tasuki," Chichiri whispered, "I can't explain why.You don't want to know," he leaned over the sleeping man and brushed a kiss against his lips, "Goodbye."

"_Goodbye, Nuriko."_

Chichiri started and stepped away, his heart pounding.Dammit Tasuki.Even now, he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

He wondered what would have happened if Nuriko had survived.Would he ever have fallen in love with the bandit?He watched Tasuki's bare chest rise and fall for a minute and knew that he would have.His lover had a quality that forced Chichiri to love him.

No, no, wrong again!Chichiri hadn't been forced into anything…he had realized his own love, and accepted it.When he had felt the first stirrings of those feelings he could have left immediately and stayed away until he was able get rid his infatuation.

Instead, he had accepted the thoughts and viewed them with vague amusement…Chichiri had been sure Tasuki loved him…but only as a friend and companion.

But one quiet night Tasuki had torn away that illusion.

They had both been in Chichiri's room, joking and reminiscing about the times they had spent together. 

Then, in the middle of a sentence, Tasuki had stood and crossed the room to where Chichiri was sitting on the bed.

"What is it no da?" Chichiri asked, slightly confused by the bandit's sudden intensity.

Tasuki hadn't answered.With a strange smile lighting his features, he had gently removed the mask from Chichiri's face and pressed their lips together, embracing him violently.

Chichiri made a low shocked noise in the back of his throat._This is what Tasuki's lips taste like…_

And he could still taste them now.

He should stay.

Nuriko was dead, Miaka and Tamahome were gone, Kouran and Hikou had left long ago, and all the other seishi were also dead.The seishi may have been reborn, but they had their own lives to live.They were the last.

It had never struck Chichiri so strongly how alone they were.They were surrounded by people, but…did it even matter?But he couldn't stay _here._So…should he leave?

Chichiri sat down heavily on the bed, not caring if he accidentally woke Tasuki in the process.He had assumed that Tasuki would fall in love with someone else once he was gone, but why?Why should either of them give this up?Even if Tasuki was actually in love with someone else, and not him, did it matter?_What an idiot I've been…_

He shook Tasuki awake.The expression of pure shock and joy on his love's face immediately made him realize that he was right, "Tasuki no da?"

"Yeah Chiri?"

"Let's go.The both of us no da."

Tasuki shook his head, "I can't go wandering around with you anymore-"

"That's not what I meant!" Chichiri interrupted, "I don't want to wander anymore, either…"

Tasuki's eyes widened in shock, as he realized what Chichiri meant, "I'm…I'm sure there's somewhere we can stay…why not?Kouji knows how to run this place," he said, grinning, "What changed yer mind?"

"…I decided to stop being an idiot no da…"

Tasuki laughed, his eyes glimmering, "Never mind; doesn't matter."

Chichiri felt his peace disappearing again as Tasuki pulled him all the way down on to the bed.But…this chaos was actually much more enjoyable then he thought…

What else is there?

THE END __


End file.
